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...how Dotchan threw the entire Star Wars (movie) universe Off The Rails because she was bored.

A continuation/rewrite of a thing I wrote once upon a time, skipping over what would have been too much exposition and dialogue and going straight to the first major turning point.

That damn woman was thinking too loud again. To spite him, no doubt. Despite her absolute lack of Force sensitivity, she'd known from the moment she laid eyes on him that he could read her mind. She'd resisted his attempts to pry into her thoughts at first, but the closer he got to what she referred to in her head as "the end" the less she censored herself, though she was still careful to keep vague on certain details until the pretense of secrecy was no longer necessary.

Now, except while sleeping or kept in a state of coma by him using a process that was exhausting to maintain, her mind was filled with inane, rambling navel gazing going in circles.

And now I'm seriously thinking about taking the bullet for him, not just in the hypothetical sense. Fuck. What is it with me and tragic villains?

Darth Maul turned his attention back to the ship's control and broadcast the mental equivalent of very loud static in her general direction, something that someone even as thick-headed as she was would notice.

She sent back the mental equivalent of a very rude gesture.

If you don't like what you 'hear', then don't 'listen' in, asshole.

But despite her irritation at his eavesdropping (and everything else about him, it seemed), her thoughts refused to leave the idea of "protecting" him, a notion that even she acknowledged to be ridiculous. Over and over again in the debate she was having with herself she pointed out how useless she'd be in a fight to the death--"not even good enough to be a meat shield".

But-- she sighed out loud. I am supposed to do the 'right' thing, consequences be damned and all that. If I'm going to fuck things up I may as well go for the balls-out craziest plan.

Plans--bah! That woman couldn't plan her way out of a wet paper bag. All she could do was equivocate in her labyrinth of self doubt, groping along until she latched onto the first thing that jumped into her brain, and then act surprised when things failed to go according to her whims.

And yet, he still hadn't killed her, but was taking her with him to Naboo. To do what? Die as a pointless interlude in his master's greater machinations? Or throw things into even greater chaos, no matter how impossible that might seem?

At this point it probably isn't possible to change things anyway.

For a fleeting moment he wondered if he was allowing his emotions to filter through to her, but he knew himself to be more disciplined than that. It had to be a coincidence.

I mean, that asshole's been putting pieces in place for years, and if he's any good at this whole manipulative evil overlord thing then he'd have eleventy billion contingency plans in place, too. And it's not like I know shit about the bigger picture in a way that could affect anything. But--hmm.

He tried to feign disinterest, but he had to hold himself back from doing more than eaves dropping on her surface thoughts.

He might be dark lord of the Sith, but he's not omnipotent, omniscient, or omnipresent. I mean, all Maul over there would need to do to upset the apple cart would be to introduce enough variables or destroy enough of Sidious' Plan As to become indispensable for the rest of it to work. Step One would be to half-ass enough of the next mission so Qui-Gon lives, and therefor so does he. And after that--well, we can worry about that later.

She must have phrased those words in that manner because she knew he was listening in, but of all the inane ideas she had so far, this one at least made some sense. Even a broken clock was right twice a day. It was expected--encouraged, even--of Sith apprentices to plot against their masters. It was how the Sith became stronger, even though there would only be two of them against the masses of Jedi proclaiming themselves guardian of light and order. If he could indeed divert enough of his master's plot to make himself useful at every juncture of the greater plan, then he'd never outlive that usefulness.

Wow, this has so much potential to backfire it's not even funny. But it's the best chance I've got. Now I just need to figure out how to make all that shit work...

As the woman withdrew into herself, running fantastical scenarios in her head, Maul's thoughts also turned inward. With what he knew, with what he was capable of, he could come up with his own plan.

...and at this point I didn't really feel like getting too far into details, so have a list style summary of what I was going to have happen next:

- Qui Gon picks up on my feelings enough to go send Obi Wan to help Padme instead and duels Darth Maul alone, who throws the fight just enough to not have it be too obvious and "surrenders" once it's pointless to go on fighting.
- When the Jedi try to mind-probe Maul, I get huffy about it and tell them point blank that Palpatine is the Sith Lord--"good luck proving it (you self-righteous hypocrites)!"
- We get shoved into a cell (safest place to be, really) while the Jedi Council navel gaze about what to do next.
- I teal deer at Darth Maul while we're locked up, mostly out of sheer boredom, but also to distract him once a very pissed off Sidious severs his Force bond with Maul as punishment for failure (note: I have no idea if this is how Sith Master/Apprentice relationship works, I'm just rolling with this because it's my Blatant Self Insertion and I'll Deus Ex Machina if I want to).
- Character development stuff happens. Being stuck in such close proximity with the first person who's ever shown any real concern for him without expecting anything in return would have some effect on Darth Maul, especially since according to Wookiepedia Sidious basically brainwashed him into blind obedience via what amounts to Stockholm Syndrome. Meanwhile, Qui-Gon's influence on Anakin makes him a less unstable emo teen later because he's not big on hammering the whole "no attachments" thing, plus Anakin also eavesdrops on a lot of the conversation between me and Maul and gets an education he wouldn't otherwise.
- Attempts by the Jedi to follow the paper trail from what I know of the plot dead ends at Kamino, and clones are already in full-time production even as of the end of Phantom Menace, so no dice there. But the earlier discovery of the clones' existence does mobilize a couple of opposing factions Sidious had kept around for show (planning to off them once he could cement his power) into uniting around the cause of granting these clones full citizenship and all rights thereof, meaning they can't be conscripted without their individual consent--most of them still would, considering their genetic heritage and training, but it does make enough of a difference to be an issue later.
- Meanwhile, the Jedi try to use me and Darth Maul as bait to draw Sidious out, releasing us from custody. But there's nothing I know that Sidious doesn't, and he believes Maul to still be 100% blindly loyal to him--and finally showing some real Sith-like ambition, so he doesn't do anything.
- While I give myself a crash course on interstellar politics, Darth Maul goes to work sabotaging the rest of Sidious' plans. Stuff happens, whatever.
- Darth Maul still dies tragically at some point. Maybe not even "on screen"--I just hear about it, and react accordingly. But his force ghost is now stuck in my head because of the "power of friendship" or somesuch handwaving. So now it's onto the next person I might have some chance of effecting...Jar Jar Binks Count Dooku, maybe?
- ...and I'll think about what this means for the events that would've occurred in Episodes 2 and 3 later. Needless to say, eventually shit gets Monkey Wrenched big time.
- No romance angle with anybody, though. I do have some standards.

At some point I might at least write the epic confrontation scene between Darths Maul and Sidious, with me on the sidelines, but until then have some witty one-liners and shit that sounds all deep and profound because I love writing those.

- I can't save everyone. I might not even be able to save anyone. But I can help him. God knows he needs it the most.
- You got it backwards. I'm not pretending to care about him because he's useful. I'm pretending to use him because I care.
- That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. If that crinkly-assed master of yours really believes that death is the ultimate fate of the universe, then he should go embrace his destiny first.